Blessed

“He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land – your grain, new wine and oil – the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you.” Deuteronomy 7:13

In the time between my last post and this I have come to realize even more how truly blessed I am. A bunch of my friends wanted to go to the beach this past Saturday and since my family lives in a beach town I volunteered my grandparents’ house as a place to stay. As twenty people piled into the house and my grandmother continued to offer greetings, food, beverage, and kindness, I was blown away. My grandmother has long been to me an example of a Proverbs 31 woman and this one act of generosity confirmed to me how blessed I am to have her as my grandmother, my confidant, and my role model. She is the woman I strive to one day become.

At the same time I was so impressed with my friends! I would say many college students wouldn’t have much tolerance for hanging out with someone’s grandparents, but my friends were so wonderful talking with them and showing a genuine interest in my grandmother’s stories. The whole time I felt so blessed to have this group of people in my life. They inspire me.

God has really been speaking to me about romantic relationships as well. At this point I have never dated. Considering my childhood it always seemed easier not to get too attached, but as I have grown older this overwhelming desire to be loved and cared for has crept into my daily existence. For several years this desire controlled me – my thoughts, actions, feelings, etc. I was consumed by it. In all of this I still knew that I wanted God’s timing. My daily prayer during this time has been for God to bring someone into my life and to give me patience to wait for the right person at the right time. I still struggle with this very much, but I’m slowly learning that God’s plan is perfect for my life. If I try to make up my own plans now to be happy they won’t even compare with what He has in store for me. I admit this is a frightening thought for me. The thought “what if there isn’t anything better” tends to rest in the back of my mind. “What if He doesn’t have someone for me?” In the same thought, however, I am confident that God would not give me these desires to simply deny them. I do believe, on the other hand, that He is teaching me to lean on Him more completely. That I can and will be satisfied in Him. That I do not need a romantic relationship to have worth or happiness. My worth is found in Christ alone.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and find cloths. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quite spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

A New Song

As I was reading in Pslams today, God spoke to my heart about the kinds of information I share with people. In many ways my testimony is a story of how life can be difficult, but you can make it. What I have failed to point out is that I’m not only making it, I am blessed beyond anything I could imagine! Perhaps this sounds completely crazy to you, but I promise it is not. In Psalm it says to sing a new song unto the Lord (Psalm 96:1). In my personal life this convicted me to share more than just hard times, but to share the blessings I have been given as well. Here is my new song:

First of all I would like to point out that I am a college student. My family is not financially stable enough to keep me in school, but before my freshman year I received a scholarship that pays for ALL of my classes for the entire four years I attend! Let’s go further. After my second year of school I decided to live off campus since one of my friends was not able to get a room on campus. I was dreading it. I currently live in an amazing newly renovated townhouse where most of the furniture was given to us! There are very few pieces of furniture or appliances in our apartment that we had to pay for – including a functional washer and dryer! Now I will be moving into another apartment where we will be adding another room mate and I know God is going to provide in big ways!

Just today so many things occurred that I feel led to share. Since I’m not going home for the summer, but staying in Williamsburg, I have been frantically searching for another job. Not only that, but our third room mate is moving in tomorrow and as of this morning we still did not have a three bedroom apartment! Through the course of the day God has miraculously answered both of these prayers! The family of the little girl I babysit informed me they need a nanny five days a week during the summer. I knew they were looking for someone one or two days a week, but was blown away by this new information! God is so faithful! Not ten minutes later I got home to find out that a three bedroom apartment had come available! It was one of the moments where I realized He really is watching over me.

Let me tell you how my morning began – I called my mother to see how things were going at home and found out my step-father is going through another bad time. He once again threatened to leave today. Of course my mother was very frustrated by the decision and, since this has been threatened so many times, is at the point that she really just wants it to be over, however that happens. I went into my day with this knowledge, but the conviction that this was not going to control me. I was going to sing a new song unto the Lord! My situation would not hold sway over me! For too long I have allowed my past to control who I am and what I do, but no longer. Today is a new day!

Your situation may be tough. I understand that. But you don’t have to be controlled by it. Jesus Christ has set you free! You are a new creation in Him! Your moods and feelings do not need to be controlled by worldly situations or circumstances, but by the understanding of Christ’s love for you and what He has done in your life!

Treasured Possession

God has been doing amazing things in my life! It's a process that started many, many years ago, but is finally coming to a point where I can begin to see God's purpose and plan. As I'm realizing this I thought other people might benefit from hearing a little about it . . . or a lot since this note turned out to be incredibly long! So here it goes:

Let’s just get you up to speed on what has been going on with me lately. Through my church and several friends who have helped me more than they will ever know, God has been revealing to me things that need to change in my life. For a long time I have been stuck in a rut. I want to know God more, but I was holding on so tightly to my past that I was unwilling to notice what He is doing with me right now.I held onto the pain of all the memories because I didn't want to go through it alone. I figured if I held onto it long enough that eventually someone would come along that would comfort me. What I failed to realize is that during all of this God had been standing on the sidelines with arms wide open waiting for me to just turn His way. He didn’t just stand back and watch me go through this, He walked right beside me. He knew every thought I had, every feeling, every disappointment, every fear, every heartbreak. Even though I was raised in the church and knew God was there for me, I just never believed that He was there for me. I mean, you hear it in Sunday School, but why would He care what I’m going through? I can take care of myself, there are plenty of other people who are going through worse things. He is with them, not me. He has recently shown me that I’m not just me – I’m His treasured possession. If I sacrificed something I loved for another person, I would make sure that that individual would benefit from it and reach their full capacity. God sacrificed His son for me! Of course, I am important to Him! He wouldn’t give His son over to be tortured and killed just to walk away when I was struggling. As I reach this realization that God has never left me and that I have done nothing on my own, I look back and realize how much He has done – how far He has brought me. I’m not going to go all the way back to the beginning, that will come later, but it’s time for me to share some what He has done in my life:

My parents divorced when I was very young. Several other things occurred before my mother married my step-dad when I was six. I was amazed by him for the longest time. My experience with fathers up to that point hadn't been very good. This man came in and everything felt safe again – home was finally home. He bought me a puppy the first year he was there! It seems trivial, but to a six year old it means quite a bit. It meant he was going to be around to help me take care of him. I knew that he would be around for a long time. He wasn’t just passing through.

I don’t know when it started, but things began to change over time. He was still a good guy, but there were other things. He would get angry, really angry over almost silly things. And when he got angry he became scary. It wasn’t until my sister was born five years ago that it got really bad. Almost once a month he would walk out. We started walking on eggshells. Who knew what would send him over the edge? Home wasn’t a calm place anymore. It was hectic, chaotic, and tense. I came home wondering if tonight would be the night he would leave. We didn’t always know where he went, but it was always preceded with him yelling and sometimes throwing things around. He never hurt any of us, but we could tell he was completely at the mercy of his anger. He couldn’t control himself. It also started to become a common thing to hear him say that he wanted to kill himself – that everything would be better if he weren’t here.

During this time I fought with God so often. I couldn’t see His plan. I knew it was there somewhere, that it would be revealed in due time, but I wanted to see it now! I remember the night before my 16th birthday he was ready to leave. He packed his bags and was headed out the door. I don’t even know what started it. I remember lying in bed that night pleading with God to bring him back. I just wanted God to fix it all. I couldn’t handle it anymore.There are many more stories, but they aren’t necessary. In all the years that this has gone on only a few people have known and even they don’t know everything. It was my pain, my story. In holding on so tightly to this, I have pushed God away. I have asked Him to forgive me and heal me, but not that part – not the past. I was still waiting for the comfort that I knew someone would eventually give me – paying no attention that He was right there with arms wide open, waiting.

During a sermon last semester, God made it very clear to me that He never left me alone during any of this. As I was listening to the music (Desert Song by Hillsong), I got this image in my head. One time when he was really angry at my sister for something, he started yelling at her. She was three years old, sitting on the stairs as my mom put her shoes on and he was in her face yelling at her. She, of course, had no idea what was going on. I was upstairs and when I saw what was happening I came down and sat behind her. I put my hands over her ears and told him that she didn’t need to hear her father talking to her like that. As I listened to this song at church I saw more. God was sitting on the step behind me covering my ears as I was doing with my sister. I wasn’t alone. I didn’t make it through on my own. If He wasn’t there with me I would never have made it to where I am now.

I'm not writing this from the end of the path saying everything is wonderful now. I'm still walking along this road, but I have a peace about it now. I know that God loves me. I know that I have never spent a day alone in my life. That in my hardest, darkest times is when He was carrying me.

Never underestimate what God can do. Whatever it is that you may be facing, no matter how hopeless it seems, He is waiting in the wings for you to turn to Him. I certainly am not claiming that I have it all figured out or that everything is great now – it is a process – but I do know that He will be holding my hand as I figure out the next step – as I learn to trust Him more fully. If you are going through something that you just don’t know how it could come out right. Where the doubt and despair seem to be eating at you from the inside out – talk to someone. Even if you just ask them to listen. We are not meant to carry these kinds of burdens on our own. And don’t be afraid to cry out to God! I always thought that I shouldn’t question the Will of God, but then I heard someone speak one time about how God knows our hearts already so why hold back? Do we think He isn’t going to see that we are confused? Be honest with God. How else do we grow if we do not ask questions and seek answers?Thanks for taking a look at my massively long note! I just wanted to share with you how God has been moving in my life and how He can move in your life.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936