No, We're Good!

For the second time today I had an experience where I get back in my car and think, "Why did I do that?"  Before I tell my little story, let me explain that I am an independent, Type A, "I got this" kind of woman.  I was raised in a family of very strong, independent, Type A, "I've got this" type of women.  I'll be honest, we pride ourselves on the ability to move heavy furniture across rooms, carry ALL of the groceries in on the first trip, keep up with all the chores and schedules, and, in general, do it all.  It has its advantages, but it also has very many disadvantages.  

If you read my last post, you know that we've been in a tough, overwhelming season.  Not because of any one thing, but because of all the little things that add up to make one gigantic thing.  You know?  And, I'll be honest, a lot of my struggle has been because I am (you guessed it) an independent, Type A, "I've got this" type of person. Because let's be real - I ain't got this!  I was not made to have this. I was not created to carry it all. I am not built to run myself ragged. And let's just go right out and say it, I was never asked, designed, or intended to carry and juggle all the balls without any help. In some cases, I wasn't asked to carry them at all, but I decided to pick them up without being asked!  (Anybody with me there?)

One major disadvantage to my personality, is not knowing how to accept help.  I mean, at all!  So now to my story.  I was headed out of the grocery store today with Ruth in the cart, Caleb trailing along beside me, and two giant, heavy bags of groceries.  While pushing the cart back where it goes and preparing myself to carry both big bags and a little Ruth while watching Caleb, a gentleman asked if I needed any help.  Based on what I described (and I'm sure how I looked), the answer was yes.  But what I found coming out of my mouth was, "No, I think we're good!"  Really??  Despite knowing that I could use an extra hand, even then I couldn't seem to accept help.  After getting across the parking lot, loading everybody in, and getting in myself, I realized what I had done.  Would it really have been that awful to let this man carry one of my bags 20 feet to my car? 

Two things came to mind as I kicked myself for not just letting someone help me.  First, was something my mom and grandma often say - "Don't take away my blessing!"  It's used when someone wants to help and we refuse.  We've taken away that person's opportunity to bless us.  Second, was a scripture in 1 Corinthians 10:23 where we're reminded that while something may be possible, it doesn't mean it's right.  Clearly, I could get both bags and both children to the car, but was it beneficial?  Was it necessary?  Not really.  Just because I can do it, doesn't mean I should.  

Lord, forgive me for trying to do it all.  Forgive me for thinking I ever could.  Teach me to accept help from others and from You.  Give me a humble heart, Father, that recognizes my limitations.  Let me be an example to my children that perfection is not important, to focus on the people around them, and to accept help.  Amen.

Change of Plans

Can I be real with you?  Like really, really real?  The last couple months have been rough.  Crazy work schedules, quick trips, crazy two year old behavior, a clingy, fussy baby, many nights of broken sleep, illnesses, doctor visits, prescriptions, missed events, and the list seems to go on.  After talking with a bunch of people I know that I'm not alone and, in the grand scheme of things, my difficulties have been exceptionally minor.  But that doesn't mean it hasn't been hard. 

This past weekend we had three Christmas parties to attend!  THREE!  One each night of the weekend.  While it was a bit overwhelming, especially since Lucas had to work this weekend, I was also really excited at the chance to get away from the house and celebrate the season with friends.  Cue Friday night's work party where the snow gave me the slight question of whether we should drive all the way in to the city to pick up our children's amazing aunt who would be watching them for us.  Lucas made it there and back without any difficulty and the night was a fun break from the normal.  We did lose power for a few hours overnight, but all in all things went surprisingly well.

Then came Saturday.  About halfway through the day I got a text from Lucas which included a picture of his near swollen shut eye with a note saying he would be headed to an urgent care as soon as he was off because he was pretty certain he had pink eye.  Without getting into ALL the crazy details, we missed our party.  One that we had all been so excited to attend.  Instead we wandered through Sam's Club, had Chic-fil-a drive thru, watched a short Christmas movie, and went off to bed trying not to admit just how upset we were.  The next morning we began to watch Caleb for pink eye thinking he would certainly get it.  That night we were to have another Christmas party with some wonderful friends and, again, we were all so excited (including the kids) until the possibility was raised that maybe we shouldn't go for fear of passing along pink eye.  I literally held back tears as we discussed the possibility.  I know it might seem silly, but after the crazy month we had experienced and the excitement over the party (not to mention all the cookies we had baked!) I just couldn't handle the thought of missing something else.  I'm pretty sure my words and attitude were simple, "I give up."

As I drove Ruth and I to church so the boys could stay home and not potentially share any germs, I felt so incredibly defeated. My opportunity for a fun-filled weekend was once again disappearing and I just wanted a break from it all.  During the last worship song that morning, my attitude was changed.  Not completely, not entirely, but my perspective was shifted as we sang these words:

By Your Spirit I will rise,

From the Ashes of Defeat.

The resurrected King is resurrecting me!

Your Name, Your Name is VICTORY!

It felt as though God was speaking directly to me in that moment.  I had a choice to make.  I could remain upset and disappointed, looking at our weekend and this day as a wasted opportunity for fun or I could find a way to make the best of what we had left of the day.  So I formulated a plan as I drove home to mix up a batch of gingerbread dough (despite the 6 batches of cookies already strewn about the kitchen) and we would put together a gingerbread house as a family that night instead of getting to go to the party.  I was still disappointed, but my new plan gave me something to look forward to and something different to get excited about.  Turns out we were able to attend the party and our gingerbread house waited until the following night to be constructed!

Very often I have a strict plan or schedule in my mind and I can get pretty excited about the things in store for us, but when plans fall apart I discover that I'm not as flexible as I'd like to think.  I freeze.  I keep thinking about what I'm missing instead of what God could be doing.  

Lord, help me to trust You when my plans fall through.  Cause me to look to You for the new plan.  To not get frustrated and disappointed, but to get excited about what You have in store for us.  Amen

A New, Fresh Life

I'm sitting downstairs playing with my littles when I smell something.  Moms, you know the smell I refer to.  The one that clues you in someone needs their pants changed.  The littlest is sitting right in front of me so I check her first.  Nope, it's the other one.  "Caleb, is your diaper dirty?" I ask.  "Yes," he responds.  "Alright, com one over so I can change it."  Instead of coming he just looks at me, smiles, and keeps right on playing.  Really?!  After trying to convince him for several minutes that I really just want to make him more comfortable by taking away his dirty, smelly diaper and trading it for a fresh, clean diaper, he finally slowly makes his way over.

As I watched him continue to play, knowing that he was uncomfortable and undoubtedly could smell himself, I had this weird idea come into my head.  How often do I do that?  Ok, not the actual diaper, but how many times do I continue in a behavior or thought pattern that I know is uncomfortable, unhelpful, and sometimes even harmful despite having an incredible Savior who calls to me, "I just want to make it fresh and clean!"  Christ died on the cross to rescue me.  He offers me a fresh mindset, a new way of living.  Rather than sitting in my old, dirty, uncomfortable, unhealthy ways of doing things, I need to allow Him to change me and make me new!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here!  ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

Do you want to get well?

In continuing my reading in John, I found another verse that really stuck out to me.  Jesus is in Jerusalem and He walks past a pool of water where many disabled people used to sit in hopes of being healed by the waters when they are "stirred."  In this encounter Jesus meets a man who had been invalid for 38 years and asks what might seem like a silly question.  In John 5:6, Jesus asks the man, "Do you want to get well?"  I mean, really Jesus?  This man hasn't been able to provide for himself, sits in the city and begs, and now is waiting by some water every day waiting for the possibility of healing (we won't get into the fact that this man didn't recognize healing - Jesus - when it was right in front of him).  Wouldn't the answer seem obvious?  But wait.

When I was growing up I faced some difficult situations that resulted in an inability to relate to people from an emotionally healthy vantage.  I didn't know how to open up to people, struggled with what to share with others, and even dealt with flashbacks to certain experiences I had when I was younger.  Looking back I can see that I played the part of a victim.  That's what I knew and how I responded.  Then I went to college and started going to an amazing church where they spoke about freedom and peace.  God began to do a lot in me and I realized there were things He wanted to release me from.  But first I had to answer a question.  "Do you want to get well?"  Again, the answer seems obvious.  But what if I said yes?  What would that require of me?  What would change?  Who would I be if those experiences were no longer my identity?

We often say we want healing and freedom, but inside there can be fear of the unknown.  I knew the part I played as a young girl defined by her past.  I didn't know what it looked like to be free from that.  Fear of the unknown can keep us from saying yes to healing and freedom.  Fear of what will be required of us, the new expectations, can cripple us.  Will I be any good at anything else?  Will people like the "new" me?  At the root, however, is simply fear.  We must remember that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).  It can be hard to open ourselves up to healing, but when we do, God will meet us there and we will stand amazed at the other side wondering why we didn't trust Him sooner.

So the next time you read this passage and wonder why Jesus would ask such a seemingly obvious question, ask yourself if you want to be healed or set free from something.  Really dig into it.  The answer may surprise you.  Then you get this wonderful opportunity.  You get the chance to say, "Yes!"

For The Weary Mama

In a season of feeling stressed and overwhelmed with two little ones, a new (to me) ministry, and a small business (not to mention typical household chores), I have truly recognized my need to get back into the Word regularly to gain clarity, strength, and wisdom.  After my daughter was born in mid-February, it was a steep learning curve figuring out how to accomplish anything with two under two in the house.  I had to figure out what worked so I could make dinner, fold laundry, get through the grocery store (!), and, not surprisingly, how to do it with limited sleep!  I'm sure many of you can relate.  So here's me trying to get in a better rhythm.

My plan of action is to focus on the book of John (I just needed somewhere to start without something else to think about each time I sat down!).  I'm probably a week into this idea of reading a chapter a day and just finished John 4!  But my tired, weary, anxious mind got a lot of encouragement today as I read these familiar stories.  Things I never noticed before seemed to stand out.

Let's start here, " . . . tired as [Jesus] was from the journey . . . " (John 4:6b).  Did you catch that? Jesus understands how it feels to be tired!  He can relate to me!  It may seem small and I've rushed past it many times, but when you get so stressed you feel as though you're failing daily, there's encouragement in knowing Jesus knows how tired I am and what that feels like!  Phew!

Here's some more encouragement for the weary mama - just a few verses later, Jesus says to the woman at the well, ". . . the water I give him will become in him like a spring of water . . . "  (John 4:14b).  It renews and refreshes itself.  And we have this spring (the Holy Spirit) within us!  How often I forget that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives within me (Romans 6)!  I have become very aware of a little mantra that runs through my mind (and out of my mouth) when things get tough.  You might recognize it, it goes like this, "I can't!  I can't!  I just can't!"  The truth is, He can!  While there is some truth in that - in and of myself I can't - it's not the whole truth.  Enter God! I can't, but He can and His power is at work within me.  This gives me hope.  Will I remember this truth every time I get overwhelmed?  No.  But the more I remind myself, the more quickly this truth will come when the moments become too much.

It's not much, but hopefully these passages encouraged you as they did me.  And remember, mama, you're doing GREAT!